Survival
by lunastars
Summary: "Kill me too," I begged. The guilt had been tearing me apart for a while now and nothing seemed to make it better. He spoke then before I could say anything else. "You don't get to do that." - One-Shot - Connor/OC


**A/N: **_So, it's half 1 in the morning and I'm feeling incredibly shitty and home sick so I decided to write this. Enjoy._

**Flashbacks are in italics!**

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><p>I stepped into the shower, not even bothering to pull over the make-shift curtain that the brothers had put up for my sake. They were out anyway and knowing them they wouldn't be back for several hours. The spray washed over me and I dropped my head forward to allow it to cascade down my back. The water was cold but getting it to a hot temperature was like receiving some kind of miracle.<p>

The door behind me creaked open and I didn't bother to look back to see which brother had come home. It was still early in the night so I knew it would only be one of them. The other was probably drinking their usual down in McGinty's waiting for the other twin to come back with news. If it were later in the night they would both be back because then they would be more than a little intoxicated.

"Lass?"

Normally my body would relax completely at the sound of Conor's voice but not now. Everything was different now. I placed my hand against the wall and pressed my head against it too. Every part of me was cold now. It caused from the tiles to the water that still ran over me. It was like a shock as a warm hand pressed against my lower back.

"Look at me." It was a demand but his tone was soft.

When I didn't move the hand on my back moved around my body until his arm was wrapped around me. He pulled me up and away from the wall so that I was stood straight. He tugged me back towards him. His clothes were already soaked through and I knew then that he was here because he cared.

His arms wrapped around me and his chin rested on my shoulder. "Talk to me."

I tried. I opened and closed my mouth several times but nothing came out. The only thing that did was tears. They fell so rapidly that I barely had time to even try and stop them. Connor's arms tightened around me as he let me cry.

"Come on, Lass," he urged. "We're worried about ya."

"You killed him," I gasped as I struggled to get my breathing in check.

He spun me around so that I was facing him. One arm stayed around me and the other pushed the hair out of my eyes. He stayed silent until I looked up at him.

"I had to." He cupped my cheek and his thumb wiped at the tears. "Don't let him do this. You know it was the right thing to do."

"I shouldn't have said anything."

"Don't."

"Kill me too," I begged. The guilt had been tearing me apart for a while now and nothing seemed to make it better.

He spoke then before I could say anything else. "You don't get to do that."

Before I could respond the hand on my cheek was on the back of my head. He looked at me one last time before he closed his mouth over mine. He kissed me in such a way that I knew his intentions were to make me forget. When he pulled away I was breathless for a whole new reason. He reached around me and switched off the shower.

From the pile to the side he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my shoulders. He lifted me up into his arms and carefully carried me over to the old, beaten up couch. He settled down on one side with me still in his arms. One arm moved away to readjust the towel around me a little. He kept me close to his chest and I made an effort to concentrate on calming myself down as I closed my eyes.

_"He's at it again," I told Murphy._

_"And what the hell happened to ya face?" Connor snapped as he pushed passed his twin to get a look._

_I shrugged. "Collateral damage."_

_"Collateral damage my arse," Connor scoffed. "You're a shitty liar."_

_"Leave the girl alone, Con," Murphy said softly as he smiled at me._

_But Connor didn't stop examining the black eye or the busted lip. I let out a heavy sigh as I looked down at the ground. "He's getting me involved in the work."_

_"How involved?" Connor asked angrily._

_"A client noticed me one day and it just went from there," I said dismissively._

_"Lass," Murphy said, his voice now filled with anger._

_"Look," I said sternly, now looking at them both. "If it means that one of those young girls doesn't have to do it then I'll survive."_

_"What if there was a way for ya not to do it and for none of those girls to either?" Connor questioned, surprisingly calm now._

_I knew what he was suggesting. I knew what he and Murphy did and what their way would involve. It would mean somebody getting hurt, maybe even dying but at that moment in time I was sick of all the shit being thrown my way, so I nodded my head._

_"That would work."_

"If it means you don't have to do it again then I can live with what I did," he told me softly as his fingers ran through my hair. "You need to learn to live with it too. You're a good person. You make me a good person, so don't do this to yourself."

When I was just eight years old Connor MacManus was the love of my life and my hero, now all of these years later he was still the very thing keeping me from tipping over the edge. A man with enough heart to protect me but too much common sense to leave me alone with his gun.


End file.
